Oh the Ennui!

I don´t want to do anything. All my life, I´ve been occupied and busy.  I´ve always been super motivated or, if not motivated, then too busy to contemplate not being motivated.  I could list all that I´ve done but that would be stupid...whatever I´ve done is nothing really though it does matter to me.  It´s so strange to have come from a flurry of hyperactivity to just wanting to have nothing to do.  I do work now but not quite that much, just enough to stay comfortable.  There are things that I want, material things, but I don´t want them so much that I want to do more work to have them.  It´s weird to have come from a perspective of working all the time just to afford an apartment and pay my bills with just enough extra money to spend on the diversions that took away the rest of my time.  This is what life is supposed to be anyway, no?  Working to live and then having a few extra hours every week to call your own.  It´s all kind of silly and absurd...

Now that I have free time, I absolutely love and adore it, but I have that nagging feel that I should be doing more.  And there is definitely more things I could do; volunteer, work more, teach more, take Spanish classes, write another book, figure out this Spanish keyboard so that I actually know where both the hyphen and slash are...but when I search my thoughts and my ambition, I find...nothing...On the plus side, there is no real restlessness stirring which I usually encounter...only a calm that hasn´t been this strong and permeating before.  There is a touch of boredom and ennui to it, but nothing troublesome.  No strong desire to move to another place or get another job, a desire which has seemed to become the hallmark of my adult existance thus far.  Tangentially, I remember in the past if I had more than  a week off of work, I´d go crazy with having nothing to do.  But I guess it´s slightly different now considering I´m working in the mornings.  And of course I have all those axioms and quotes in my head, like the unexamined life isn´t worth leading and how man doesn´t like to take the path that leads back to himself...yada yada yada...those and similar phrases meaning to me that people like distractions and work so as not to have to face one of the most fearsome things: themselves (well, this would be the second most fearsome thing after the Spanish keyboard of course).   Then that would mean that this free time would allow me to get to know myself better and examine life (ha like what I´m doing now with this here blog), but that might just be some silly philosophical justification for what just might boil down to sheer laziness. 

I´m really writing this looking for justification and meaning in my own laziness...and I really can´t find any.  I also can´t find any real and overt justification for doing more things besides the obvious goodness of doing work.  But in the back of my mind and heart, I feel like doing more activities is the right thing to do, and not because society or some exigent moral code tells me so, but more because my own head and heart do.  And they´ve led me this far...