Maybe life is just a constant journey with the unexpected...or maybe that´s just my life...
Everyday starts off pretty much the same where we usually wake up in our beds, groggy and begrudgingly get out of bed. Then work or school or whatever our routine. But periodically we get things thrown our way that are difficult or fun or awesome or challenging or all four things together. We also tend to form opinions of people based on the roles they play in our lives and it´s hard sometimes for people to break out of our views of them or the roles we set up for them. I´ve found from traveling that having expectation and pretensions only limit me and limit those that I know and what I can experience. My guatemom, for example, at first she was nice, protective, and welcoming and now she´s somewhat combative and deceptive. What I had come to expect became misaligned with reality. But then at other times there are people or situations that you don´t expect much of and they pleasantly surprise you. Like today where my computer just decided it had had enough of work (I feel like this sometimes too but I keep going) and died my first hour into working. I trust my Spanish language skills but only so far. I can get a computer on my own but I don´t really know what I´m doing. I kind of don´t know what I´m doing buying a computer in the states where I speak English. Feeling lost and anxious, I had a friend who just offered to help me, not a person I would have thought of or even called.
We live life and through our experiences we build impressions of who we think people are and how they´re supposed to behave, even if we don´t intend to do it. When I meet people, without intending to, I put them into categories. My past experiences have decided how I view the present and sometimes I can´t see situations or people clearly. Everyone is limited by their past, but our past is how we learn and how grow. It reminds me of a line (TRITE MUSIC LYRIC ALERT!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!!) from a Jackson Browne song, ´´And while the future's there for anyone to change, still you know it's seems it would be easier sometimes to change the past.´´ We think about our past and it lives in us. Our past is something set, defined, but our future is amorphous and open. With something already accomplished and complete, we can analyze and pick it apart. But with our future, all we can do is guess. Our past forms what we think for much of the future.
Living here in Guatemala, I live in the present. I don´t really think about what´s happening in my life now or analyze it or be reflective. I only live it. I just go with how things are and do not have expectations about my life in Guatemala. But I have been thinking more and more about my past from when I was a teenager and younger. It has began to haunt me a bit. It´s weird how your life changes and certain places or situations change your thinking or behavior. We can expect to be a certain way in our lives or we can expect certain people to behave a certain way, but what has tended to end up happening is the unexpected and people surprising you.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Just Enough of What You Bargain For
Oh Mexico...I had to make my border run last week which was...interesting...
I don't enjoy, ok fine, I loathe, completely and utterly detest, riding the buses here. The buses are the same affairs I had to ride in elementary school. And I didn't like them then either. But here it's riding them over multiple potholes and other miscellaneous things jutting up from the road. It's like discomfort exponentialized. I was also a little terrified of going to the border by myself since I hadn't ever done it before. I don't mind traveling alone as long as I know what I'm doing, but I had no clue what I was doing. Meh, life is about challenging yourself, learning, yada yada yada.
Off I go at 7am from my house to take my first bus from Xela to San Marcos. The bus left at 7:30am, on time. It was the first bus I can remember that has ever taken off on time during my entire stay here in Guatemala. I was surprised. The bus driver even asked me where I was going as I was disembarking from my Xela bus. He pointed to the next bus for me which I thought was really nice since a lot of people don't go out of their way to be nice here. The next bus I caught in San Marcos to Malacatan took off early. Amazement again. Was I really in Guatemala or had I entered some weird alternate universe? Getting from Malacatan to the border was a little more difficult and included a lot of asking around, but not super difficult.
Once across in Mexico, I found the nearest restaurant and ordered lunch. The proprietress looked at me like I had seven heads or had suddenly fallen into lunacy when I told her I didn't eat meat, but I was used to this from China. It's always quite comical though. After going over the fact that I don't eat meat she asked if I wanted chicken. Hahahaha. This was like in China when I would say I didn't eat meat and then the person would go through all the different types of meat, "Do you eat beef?" No. "Do you eat pork?" Still meat so no. "Do you eat chicken?" Yep still meat so no. It was always kind of funny.
Coming back across I was nervous. So far things had gone so well which I was really happy with but I don't really trust happiness or when things go so swimmingly so I was definitely nervous. Back on the Guatemalan side, the border official told me it would cost a certain amount to come back through. I told him I didn't have that much money and asked if I could give him half that amount. He said he would explain it to me in English. I told him in Spanish he could explain to me in Spanish. He did and then jokingly asked if I didn't trust his English and thought it might be bad. I laughed and said of course not but since I was a Spanish student I needed all the practice I could get. He accepted my lower offer and off I went, back to my three bus rides.
Making it back to Xela, I was exhausted but happy to have made it through without any real issues. It's always kind of scary being in a country you haven't grown up in. You don't know it's idiosyncrasies or what to expect. It can make life exciting definitely but it can also make it...well, more than you bargain for. But my border run was just enough of a bargain for me.
I don't enjoy, ok fine, I loathe, completely and utterly detest, riding the buses here. The buses are the same affairs I had to ride in elementary school. And I didn't like them then either. But here it's riding them over multiple potholes and other miscellaneous things jutting up from the road. It's like discomfort exponentialized. I was also a little terrified of going to the border by myself since I hadn't ever done it before. I don't mind traveling alone as long as I know what I'm doing, but I had no clue what I was doing. Meh, life is about challenging yourself, learning, yada yada yada.
Off I go at 7am from my house to take my first bus from Xela to San Marcos. The bus left at 7:30am, on time. It was the first bus I can remember that has ever taken off on time during my entire stay here in Guatemala. I was surprised. The bus driver even asked me where I was going as I was disembarking from my Xela bus. He pointed to the next bus for me which I thought was really nice since a lot of people don't go out of their way to be nice here. The next bus I caught in San Marcos to Malacatan took off early. Amazement again. Was I really in Guatemala or had I entered some weird alternate universe? Getting from Malacatan to the border was a little more difficult and included a lot of asking around, but not super difficult.
Once across in Mexico, I found the nearest restaurant and ordered lunch. The proprietress looked at me like I had seven heads or had suddenly fallen into lunacy when I told her I didn't eat meat, but I was used to this from China. It's always quite comical though. After going over the fact that I don't eat meat she asked if I wanted chicken. Hahahaha. This was like in China when I would say I didn't eat meat and then the person would go through all the different types of meat, "Do you eat beef?" No. "Do you eat pork?" Still meat so no. "Do you eat chicken?" Yep still meat so no. It was always kind of funny.
Coming back across I was nervous. So far things had gone so well which I was really happy with but I don't really trust happiness or when things go so swimmingly so I was definitely nervous. Back on the Guatemalan side, the border official told me it would cost a certain amount to come back through. I told him I didn't have that much money and asked if I could give him half that amount. He said he would explain it to me in English. I told him in Spanish he could explain to me in Spanish. He did and then jokingly asked if I didn't trust his English and thought it might be bad. I laughed and said of course not but since I was a Spanish student I needed all the practice I could get. He accepted my lower offer and off I went, back to my three bus rides.
Making it back to Xela, I was exhausted but happy to have made it through without any real issues. It's always kind of scary being in a country you haven't grown up in. You don't know it's idiosyncrasies or what to expect. It can make life exciting definitely but it can also make it...well, more than you bargain for. But my border run was just enough of a bargain for me.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Cultural Differences
There's one culture difference that seems to be confronting me and those I know rather frequently. It's not that I didn't anticipate cultural differences - usually I seem to enjoy them and find them rather comical as they point out how culture is all quite relative and just how diverse and interesting people can be. But this one major cultural difference that keeps confronting isn't something to write home about: sexual aggression and groping.
I've lamented how I've been groped four times in the three months I've been here. It's not that big a deal - it's more just annoying and takes away your sense of safety. But most of the female friends I know here have had the same thing happen to them, too: either groping or exposure to sights that should really remain unseen. I've never really experienced anything quite like this. At times I find the whole idea of groping outlandish and just so overtly ridiculous. I know things that are illicit are exciting for the sheer fact of being illicit: like it's exciting when you're a teenager to make out in a movie theater because it's something somewhat illicit but still accepted, but how exciting can groping really be to a person, especially considering that it's really a huge affront to another person? It almost seems like a cultural norm here. Usually illicit actions aren't normally things that annoy and disturb another human being. I get no sense of joy out of disturbing a perfect stranger. I'm wondering exactly why people do things like this.
Yea, I just googled, "why do people grope". Surprisingly, google, which is supposed to be omniscient, can't give me an adequate answer. The discussion board I read stated that girls should know better and the underlying idea seemed to be that females should expect to get groped when they go out to certain places which is of course total bullshit. Whatever a girl (or if it's a guy that gets groped or is exposed to something he doesn't want to see. I'm just going to stick with the pronouns she/ her for simplicity's sake) does, it's never her fault if she's groped or someone exposes himself to her unless she literally picks up his hand and puts it on her. Some people opined on the message board that it's a dominance thing and I'd agree to that more than the "because we're guys" justification. Even wikipedia was a lost cause, focusing mostly on rape (which definitely needs to be focused on) but not anything else really.
I've heard before and seen a few ideas about sexual aggression being related to dominance and not lust or desire per se. But then why is it so prevalent here? In Guatemala, why are men needing to dominate? If anything, they have the more dominant position socially here, at least in first appearance. Do they feel they need to re-assert their dominance in this manner? Or is it because women here are more protected and sheltered so males feel they need to assert themselves more? Or is it because most women are so out of reach here - socially you're either chaste as a woman (a virgin) or you're loose (a whore) (am I oversimplifying? probably...binaries are so easily to fall into) and since most women are more of the former then acts of sexual aggression would be an outlet of dominance, yes? Ok, hypothetically I'm a man but I can't have most of the woman I want and can't really even flirt with them or show myself to them in a sexually healthy manner so a way that I seek dominance is to illicitly touch them or expose myself to them in a sexually unhealthy way so I feel appeased and like I've regained my "masculinity"? Not buying it completely...This topic is actually really difficult and annoying to think about. All I really want is to never get groped again and for it to never happen to my friends. But that's not a possibility either.
Why am I even trying to understand this in the first place? So many strange and difficult things happen to everyone in life - sometimes we get angry or sad or have other ways of coping with things. I try to understand things because I feel that when you understand something you can deal with it in a lot healthier manner. What you understand doesn't bother you as much. But I really don't understand this. I've lived for about two months or more in the following cities: New York, Paris, LA, Madrid, Wulingyuan (ok fine not really a city) in China, Washington DC, San Diego, Santa Cruz, Berkeley, and my hometown: small town Jersey. I've traveled a bit, too, and the only other time I was groped was in LA by a latino teenager on his bike. I was also in a semi-bad neighborhood (woohoo there were approximately four gang-related shootings in my block alone then!). But never anywhere else. And here there are so many stories of this kind of thing.
I don't think men should ever put their hands on females in any manner unless it's invited. Not because of any real moral issue but mostly because it's not a fair fight. I've playfully wrestled with guy friends and generally men are stronger than females. Like even a guy my height and thirty pounds less than me could still kick my ass. My upper arm strength - negligible. Let's not get started on my (lack of) coordination. I always side with the underdog (Rudy! Rudy!) in a fight but some fights should just never even be contemplated.
I'm going to go with my latest best guess and say that groping or sexual exposure is a form of dominance and assertion. The perpetrator, whether it be male or female, does it so as to feel in control and like s/he is doing something that puts them at a higher level to the person they are groping/ exposing themself to. And this makes them feel good at some primitive level. The satisfaction they get is from the dominance and from being able to control that environment as the aggressor while the other person is not even asked permission. I still don't feel like I completely understand this and I'm oversimplifying. I'm sure there are other factors involved, like socioeconomics, self-esteem and insecurity issues, permissive norms within a gender social group...yada yada yada.
I've lamented how I've been groped four times in the three months I've been here. It's not that big a deal - it's more just annoying and takes away your sense of safety. But most of the female friends I know here have had the same thing happen to them, too: either groping or exposure to sights that should really remain unseen. I've never really experienced anything quite like this. At times I find the whole idea of groping outlandish and just so overtly ridiculous. I know things that are illicit are exciting for the sheer fact of being illicit: like it's exciting when you're a teenager to make out in a movie theater because it's something somewhat illicit but still accepted, but how exciting can groping really be to a person, especially considering that it's really a huge affront to another person? It almost seems like a cultural norm here. Usually illicit actions aren't normally things that annoy and disturb another human being. I get no sense of joy out of disturbing a perfect stranger. I'm wondering exactly why people do things like this.
Yea, I just googled, "why do people grope". Surprisingly, google, which is supposed to be omniscient, can't give me an adequate answer. The discussion board I read stated that girls should know better and the underlying idea seemed to be that females should expect to get groped when they go out to certain places which is of course total bullshit. Whatever a girl (or if it's a guy that gets groped or is exposed to something he doesn't want to see. I'm just going to stick with the pronouns she/ her for simplicity's sake) does, it's never her fault if she's groped or someone exposes himself to her unless she literally picks up his hand and puts it on her. Some people opined on the message board that it's a dominance thing and I'd agree to that more than the "because we're guys" justification. Even wikipedia was a lost cause, focusing mostly on rape (which definitely needs to be focused on) but not anything else really.
I've heard before and seen a few ideas about sexual aggression being related to dominance and not lust or desire per se. But then why is it so prevalent here? In Guatemala, why are men needing to dominate? If anything, they have the more dominant position socially here, at least in first appearance. Do they feel they need to re-assert their dominance in this manner? Or is it because women here are more protected and sheltered so males feel they need to assert themselves more? Or is it because most women are so out of reach here - socially you're either chaste as a woman (a virgin) or you're loose (a whore) (am I oversimplifying? probably...binaries are so easily to fall into) and since most women are more of the former then acts of sexual aggression would be an outlet of dominance, yes? Ok, hypothetically I'm a man but I can't have most of the woman I want and can't really even flirt with them or show myself to them in a sexually healthy manner so a way that I seek dominance is to illicitly touch them or expose myself to them in a sexually unhealthy way so I feel appeased and like I've regained my "masculinity"? Not buying it completely...This topic is actually really difficult and annoying to think about. All I really want is to never get groped again and for it to never happen to my friends. But that's not a possibility either.
Why am I even trying to understand this in the first place? So many strange and difficult things happen to everyone in life - sometimes we get angry or sad or have other ways of coping with things. I try to understand things because I feel that when you understand something you can deal with it in a lot healthier manner. What you understand doesn't bother you as much. But I really don't understand this. I've lived for about two months or more in the following cities: New York, Paris, LA, Madrid, Wulingyuan (ok fine not really a city) in China, Washington DC, San Diego, Santa Cruz, Berkeley, and my hometown: small town Jersey. I've traveled a bit, too, and the only other time I was groped was in LA by a latino teenager on his bike. I was also in a semi-bad neighborhood (woohoo there were approximately four gang-related shootings in my block alone then!). But never anywhere else. And here there are so many stories of this kind of thing.
I don't think men should ever put their hands on females in any manner unless it's invited. Not because of any real moral issue but mostly because it's not a fair fight. I've playfully wrestled with guy friends and generally men are stronger than females. Like even a guy my height and thirty pounds less than me could still kick my ass. My upper arm strength - negligible. Let's not get started on my (lack of) coordination. I always side with the underdog (Rudy! Rudy!) in a fight but some fights should just never even be contemplated.
I'm going to go with my latest best guess and say that groping or sexual exposure is a form of dominance and assertion. The perpetrator, whether it be male or female, does it so as to feel in control and like s/he is doing something that puts them at a higher level to the person they are groping/ exposing themself to. And this makes them feel good at some primitive level. The satisfaction they get is from the dominance and from being able to control that environment as the aggressor while the other person is not even asked permission. I still don't feel like I completely understand this and I'm oversimplifying. I'm sure there are other factors involved, like socioeconomics, self-esteem and insecurity issues, permissive norms within a gender social group...yada yada yada.
Friday, June 1, 2012
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